I took an extremely refreshing nap this past Saturday afternoon. One of the reasons it was so great was the ridiculously long and complex and hilarious dream that I had. Here is the summary. And yes, it was about as incoherent as described below.
I'm in some 3-bedroom apartment with two roommates (who are actually just good friends from college who live in San Francisco.) We are talking with the old apartment owners about how to arrange the apartment, and all I can think about is where to mount my TV.
Then the three of us leave the apartment and decide to go to the casino. We walk onto this ferry boat and see some young men and some kids breakdancing for money. I ask one of the guys if he krunk dances, and he shows me some moves. Then he launches into a tirade about how rappers have stolen a particular krunk move of his which is called Angry Angry Alligator.
Then this girl walks by, and I decided to do some sleight-of-hand magic for her. But when I try to do my disappearing-napkin trick, she gets obsessed with my hands and won't let go of my hands. She just won't stop staring at my hands.
Then she gives me a big kiss and disappears. I then realize that there are all these security officers looking for her, and she had used the kiss to distract them and run away! But then we spot her swimming away, but *she* is actually the Hamburglar! (For some reason, this revelation did not seem unusual during the actual dream.)
The Hamburglar then climbs back on board and runs and jumps into an escape tube down into the depths of the ship. I follow him down the tube, but then I get stuck standing up in a narrow sewage pipe, with Nickelodeon goop up to my neck. Then the dream turns into a PBS documentary about how it's important to stay calm in these situations.
Then I realize the sewage pipe full of goop is actually the inside of a post-office mail room where everyone checks their mail. So every few seconds, a little window opens up into the sewage pipe as someone checks their mail from the outside, but I'm never quick enough to call out to them to let me out of the pipe. (I don't know if this description actually makes sense to anyone outside of my own brain, but it was a perfectly reasonable situation when I dreamed it.)
Anyway, then I woke up and laughed confusedly for about 20 minutes.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Correct change
A few weeks ago, I needed to do laundry, but I didn't have enough quarters for the job. It was ~9 pm and freezing outside, so I didn't want to go outside to the drugstore to get change. Instead, I scrounged around my apartment and found enough change for the laundry....but it was all nickels and dimes! Not a single quarter!
But I'm desperate to do laundry (I was flying out to Buffalo, NY the next morning.) So I decide to go across the hall of my apartment building and ask my neighbor for quarters. Slight problem, though....I have never met my neighbor before. I know he's married and has 2 young kids, but otherwise, I've never met him or spoken with him or anything.
Anyway, I grab all the nickels and dimes, cross the hall, and knock on his door. He answers. I explain the situation, and ask him if he has $1.50 in quarters in exchange for $1.50 in nickels and dimes. He seems a bit rushed to put his kids to bed, but he says it's not a problem. He has the quarters. He goes back inside, comes out a minute later, takes my change, and drops a short stack of quarters into my hand.
I don't want to be rude and count the quarters in front of him, so I just say thank you a couple times and walk back to my apartment. All set. No problems, right?
Then I count the quarters....
He gave me one too many quarters! I gave him $1.50 in change, but he gave me $1.75. But because I didn't count it right away, I didn't realize his mistake until I was already back inside my apartment.
Now, if it had been the other way around and he had shortchanged me by a quarter, I would not have cared at all. As long as I had enough for laundry, I was fine. But how do I know what he thinks about his quarter?! He probably doesn't care.....but what if he did care?! I don't know the guy. He doesn't know me. But I don't want his first impression of me to be "that-Jewish-guy-across-the-hall-who-steals-quarters." Seriously!
I consider knocking on his door again and giving him back the quarter, but I've already annoyed him once tonight, and I also don't want to make the impression that I'm that annoying guy with OCD across the hall who cares about every cent. You should not annoy your neighbors. Period.
So I'm standing in my apartment, quarters in hand, pondering what to do:
In the end, I decide to something to avoid any awkwardness. However, in hindsight, it might possibly have been an even more awkward decision.
I decided to write a short note and tuck the quarter inside.
I walk back quietly to his apartment and slip the note and quarter under the door. (Unfortunately, the quarter was not really affixed to the note, and I think it might have slipped out when I pushed the note under the door. So it's possible that he will just find a note, with no quarter in it. FML.)
And so ended another saga of WTF-edness. (On a related note, if I owe you any sort of debt, please let me know. I'm clearly not so organized about taking care of such things.)
But I'm desperate to do laundry (I was flying out to Buffalo, NY the next morning.) So I decide to go across the hall of my apartment building and ask my neighbor for quarters. Slight problem, though....I have never met my neighbor before. I know he's married and has 2 young kids, but otherwise, I've never met him or spoken with him or anything.
Anyway, I grab all the nickels and dimes, cross the hall, and knock on his door. He answers. I explain the situation, and ask him if he has $1.50 in quarters in exchange for $1.50 in nickels and dimes. He seems a bit rushed to put his kids to bed, but he says it's not a problem. He has the quarters. He goes back inside, comes out a minute later, takes my change, and drops a short stack of quarters into my hand.
I don't want to be rude and count the quarters in front of him, so I just say thank you a couple times and walk back to my apartment. All set. No problems, right?
Then I count the quarters....
He gave me one too many quarters! I gave him $1.50 in change, but he gave me $1.75. But because I didn't count it right away, I didn't realize his mistake until I was already back inside my apartment.
Now, if it had been the other way around and he had shortchanged me by a quarter, I would not have cared at all. As long as I had enough for laundry, I was fine. But how do I know what he thinks about his quarter?! He probably doesn't care.....but what if he did care?! I don't know the guy. He doesn't know me. But I don't want his first impression of me to be "that-Jewish-guy-across-the-hall-who-steals-quarters." Seriously!
I consider knocking on his door again and giving him back the quarter, but I've already annoyed him once tonight, and I also don't want to make the impression that I'm that annoying guy with OCD across the hall who cares about every cent. You should not annoy your neighbors. Period.
So I'm standing in my apartment, quarters in hand, pondering what to do:
- If I don't give the quarter back, I would feel guilty and possibly get a bad rep from my neighbor.
- If I do give the quarter back, I risk annoying him and his family...and also getting a bad rep.
In the end, I decide to something to avoid any awkwardness. However, in hindsight, it might possibly have been an even more awkward decision.
I decided to write a short note and tuck the quarter inside.
Note the strategic use of all-caps THANKS
and exclamation point for levity. Well-played, David.
I walk back quietly to his apartment and slip the note and quarter under the door. (Unfortunately, the quarter was not really affixed to the note, and I think it might have slipped out when I pushed the note under the door. So it's possible that he will just find a note, with no quarter in it. FML.)
And so ended another saga of WTF-edness. (On a related note, if I owe you any sort of debt, please let me know. I'm clearly not so organized about taking care of such things.)
Monday, January 10, 2011
Awkwardness on the plane
My team flew to Buffalo again this morning. We got delayed on the tarmac, though, so I got a chance to chat up the nice flight attendant lady about the weather and whatnot. After 30 minutes sitting on the plane, though, I start to get hungry, so I ask her if she is allowed to serve any of the snacks yet. She says she doesn't know if she has enough for everyone, but she will look into it.
I'm literally sitting across the aisle from her little kitchenette, so I see her start shuffling through all these drawers trying to scrounge up bags of snacks. She's ripping open cardboard boxes of various food items, packing and re-packing individual snack bags into all the shelves of her cart. I start to feel bad. I though that she had some peanuts easily available, but instead she is actually spending a significant amount of time looking for some snacks. Her level of effort is not trivial.
Finally, she finds a small bag of trail mix and offers it to me. I take the bag and thank her.
End of the story? Unfortunately not.
As soon as she hands me the bag, I realize something. The bag of trail mix is not kosher! It is some sort of mixture of berries and nuts roasted in oil and whatnot, and it's not a mainstream brand that is typically kosher. So I can't eat it....
...but she just spent 10 minutes getting it for me! And she is standing in her kitchenette about 2 feet away from me! I can't hide! What do I do?!!
All I can think of is to stare distractedly out the window, as if I've forgotten about the trail mix that I'm holding. My mind is racing about what to do. Do I let her see me put the trail mix in my backpack "for later"? That wouldn't make sense because I had admitted to being hungry now. Do I hide the bag when she isn't looking, pretending like I've already eaten it? (For some reason, one idea that entered my mind for a brief moment was to reach over the seat in front of me, and drop the trail mix bag behind the back of the guy sitting there. I don't know what that would have accomplished other than pissing off the guy in front of me and clearly bringing unwanted attention to me and my trail mix.)
I honestly did not know what to do.
After a few more tense minutes of internal dialogue, I suddenly discover a solution. I notice that the flight attendant lady has pulled out another type of snack....and it's kosher! (Nature Valley Granola Bars for the win!) As she walks by me, I quickly put the trail mix back and take a granola bar. The most satisfying granola bar of my life.
Success.
I'm literally sitting across the aisle from her little kitchenette, so I see her start shuffling through all these drawers trying to scrounge up bags of snacks. She's ripping open cardboard boxes of various food items, packing and re-packing individual snack bags into all the shelves of her cart. I start to feel bad. I though that she had some peanuts easily available, but instead she is actually spending a significant amount of time looking for some snacks. Her level of effort is not trivial.
Finally, she finds a small bag of trail mix and offers it to me. I take the bag and thank her.
End of the story? Unfortunately not.
As soon as she hands me the bag, I realize something. The bag of trail mix is not kosher! It is some sort of mixture of berries and nuts roasted in oil and whatnot, and it's not a mainstream brand that is typically kosher. So I can't eat it....
...but she just spent 10 minutes getting it for me! And she is standing in her kitchenette about 2 feet away from me! I can't hide! What do I do?!!
All I can think of is to stare distractedly out the window, as if I've forgotten about the trail mix that I'm holding. My mind is racing about what to do. Do I let her see me put the trail mix in my backpack "for later"? That wouldn't make sense because I had admitted to being hungry now. Do I hide the bag when she isn't looking, pretending like I've already eaten it? (For some reason, one idea that entered my mind for a brief moment was to reach over the seat in front of me, and drop the trail mix bag behind the back of the guy sitting there. I don't know what that would have accomplished other than pissing off the guy in front of me and clearly bringing unwanted attention to me and my trail mix.)
I honestly did not know what to do.
After a few more tense minutes of internal dialogue, I suddenly discover a solution. I notice that the flight attendant lady has pulled out another type of snack....and it's kosher! (Nature Valley Granola Bars for the win!) As she walks by me, I quickly put the trail mix back and take a granola bar. The most satisfying granola bar of my life.
Success.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Drinking
Situation: I'm in my apartment. I'm thirsty. I want water.
Challenge: I only have small cups. They simply don't quench my thirst unless I refill them 3-4 times.
Solution:
Challenge: I only have small cups. They simply don't quench my thirst unless I refill them 3-4 times.
Solution:
Plastic mixing bowl
Problem solved.
Hemp milk
(A few seconds after my roommate tries a sip of hemp milk)
Me: What does it taste like?
Him: I can taste so many colors!!
Me: Hilarious.
Him: Actually, it's like drinking a rope.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
