Heart attack

So a few weeks back, I was in a small but important meeting with one of the senior VPs of our client company in Pittsburgh.  During that meeting, I made the mistake of checking my Blackberry for an urgent email I was expecting from another client.  I didn't disrupt anything by checking my phone, but apparently the VP noticed, and at the end of the meeting, she made a passing comment about how she's made an effort to never check her Blackberry during meetings.

Needless to say, after getting called out by a senior VP like that, I got the message.

Fast forward a few weeks to yesterday...

I'm scheduled to attend another small meeting with the same set of clients and the same senior VP.  Exact same scenario as a few weeks ago.

So, on my way to the meeting, I double-check my phone to make sure it's on silent, and I put it in my pocket.  Furthermore, I make a strong mental note to myself: "Dude, don't touch your cell phone this time or she is gonna flip."


Needlessly to say, I made damn sure I wasn't going to disturb the meeting again.

Anyway, we start the meeting.  It's going well.  Great discussion.  I'm more or less quiet, letting the important people do the talking, when suddenly...

Riiiiiiiiing, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.


Phone rings.  I nearly poop my pants.  On the spot.  Seriously.  I am literally paralyzed by fear for a good 2 seconds thinking I'm gonna get fired for screwing up again.  My life is over.

Then I realize it's my boss' cell phone.  He's sitting next to me and has the exact same ringtone as me.  He calmly pulls out his phone and turns it off.  And the meeting continues as if nothing had happened.

But in my mind I'm still in terror shock, trying to calm down.  My heartbeat is still trying to recover from those 2 seconds of sheer terror.  And even though I knew everything was fine and that it wasn't my phone, I was still in a cold sweat the rest of the meeting.

Anyway, the whole situation confirmed two things for me:
1. Always put your cell phone on silent before meetings.
2. Always wear deodorant

Quick thinking

So I'm in the grocery store doing some food shopping (like the responsible adult that I am), when I decide to make a pit stop in the Men's Room.  No biggy.

After doing my business, I of course go to wash my hands at the sink, but as I lean over the sink, the front of my pants touches the counter.  Much to my chagrin, I quickly realize the entire counter is covered in water, and the front of my pants are totally soaked!

It's like a Rorschach test:

"Okay, what's the #1 thing you see here?"

So now my pants are all messed up in front, and I'm in the middle of a grocery store.  What do I do?!

Have no fear, friends!  As you all know, I am a very clever and brilliant person, and I think quickly on my feet.  Like MacGyver, but with no shame.

What was my solution?  Simple!  Untuck my shirt and cover the "evidence".

Yes, this is the second picture I took of myself in the public bathroom.

And yes, that is some guy walking behind me, probably thinking
"Why the hell is this perv taking a picture of his crotch in the mirror?"

Just another day in the life of Stiebel.

Heard during a board meeting

Heard during a board meeting:
Person 1: "We need to treat this issue gingerly."
Person 2: "I agree we need to treat this gingerly, but I just don't know if we can afford to be, um,....ginger..."
Everyone: [Awkward silence]

Sophisticated karaoke

Went to karaoke this weekend.  Lots of good songs were performed, and they had the lyrics projected on screens around the stage.  This was great because  people often don't know the words to the songs.

For example, this song had particularly difficult lyrics...

So deep and poetic...I'm really feeling the symbolism

LOL

Who needs ironing?

Some of the collars of my dress shirts needed to be re-creased and re-pressed.  This is how I took care of that.

Low starch, heavy on the literature

(Other appropriate captions include Set it, and Forget it! and Ironing board?! I don't need no stinkin' ironing board!)

Coconut milk

Bought some cereal at the airport this morning.  Saw that they had some new coconut drink that looked healthy and interesting.  So I bought a small carton of the coconut milk stuff, and then I thought, "hey, I wonder if putting coconut milk on cereal is a good idea?"

Not if it's coconut water.

Coconut WATER and Raisin Bran....part of a nutritious disgusting breakfast

Thing I saw at the airport today

A guy is in his car at the Passenger Drop-Off lane at the airport.  He is blocking a lot of through-traffic because of where he decided to stop his car.

The parking enforcer lady is not happy.  After ordering him to move a few times, she writes him a parking ticket and tries to stick it under his windshield wiper...but the guy turns on his windshield wipers so she can't put the ticket in!!


Parking enforcer lady was NOT happy.

(There wasn't really an end to this story.  I think the guy finally drove off and everything at the airport went back to normal.)

Beverage

So I was asked to bring some "beverages" to a friend's costume party last week.  I went to the nearby grocery store to buy the drinks, and I decided to get a large bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey.  The BIG bottle.

I use the self-checkout aisle, the lady checks my ID, I pay, and off I go.  I'm pretty excited about showing up with this fairly large bottle to my friend's place, but when I get there... I realize that drinking the Jack will be more difficult than expected...

Yes, that is the electronic security alarm still attached

to the bottle.

And yes, that is my "I'm-sad-but-I-can't-wait-to-post-

this-on-my-blog" face.

And so, due to my slight incompetence, the party was whiskey-less for the night.

But the next day, I marched back to the grocery store and demanded they unlock the bottle.  And they did!  Success!

"And He said, 'Let there be Jack!'

And there was Jack.  And behold, it was good."

And that was that, my friends.

Gorgeous view from my hotel suite

Travelled to exotic Alberta, Canada for work last week.  Checked into the luxurious Holiday Inn.  But the best part was the amazing view from my hotel room window...

On a clear day, you can see for inches and inches

It's almost as good as the Holiday Inn Alaska, where you can see all the way to Russia.

Hot sauce

I've been travelling to Pittsburgh for work each week.  There aren't any kosher restaurants near our hotel or our client site, so I have kosher packaged meals delivered to the hotel at the start of each week by a local kosher caterer.  The hotel main kitchen keeps them in a fridge for me, so I simply go pick it up each night when I want dinner.  Not too complicated, and relatively convenient.

However, the food itself is...not so interesting or diverse (to say the least.)  It's not bad, though. It's just....not unbad.  Mainly, the caterer just doesn't have a very creative culinary mind, and so I usually end up with basic grilled chicken for dinner and veggie wraps for lunch.....every day, every week.  (In the caterer's defense, though, he makes an awesome chocolate brownie, which I also have every day, every week.)

Anyway, I've tried to ask for different types of food from the caterer in order to improve my meal experience.  But this has generally failed.  So, instead, I've settled for another method of improving each meal....

Hot sauce

I put hot sauce on almost every meal that I get from this caterer.  Frank's Red Hot, Tobasco, Louisiana... You name it.  I've had it.

Anyway, a few nights ago, I go to pickup my packaged meal from the hotel's main kitchen.  The chef hands me the package, and I ask him if I can have some hot sauce.  There are few bottles of Tobasco right on the counter, so I'm expecting him to hand me one of those.  But instead he pulls out a little plastic container and pours a bunch of hot sauce into the container.  More accurately, he fills the container to the brim with hot sauce...with no lid of any sort.


So now I'm holding my kosher meal package, and an open container of red hot sauce filled to the brim.  And I'm wearing my backpack and pulling my suitcase behind me.  It's a juggling act.  A delicious spicy juggling act.  I'm thinking this will probably end badly.

I start walking to the elevator to head up to my room.  If I had thought things through, I would've spilled out some of the hot sauce in the trash can before trekking up to the room to eat, but I didn't think of this until too late.  (However, the thought of sipping some of the hot sauce from the container did cross my mind.  I didn't end up doing that, and I still haven't decided if that would've been wise or not.)

Despite having my hands full of kosher food and hot sauce and suitcase, I somehow push the elevator button to go up to my room.

Ding!


I walk in...and of course, there is a guy already in the elevator.  I shuffle into the elevator, careful not to spill the hot sauce.  (It would've been funny if I had tripped and thrown hot sauce on him, right?  Yeah, that would've been hilarious.  Sighhhh.  Good times.)

Anyway, I'm pretty sure he gave me and my balancing act a funny look, and I just wanted the elevator ride to be short and quick so I don't have to embarrass myself further. (Because we all know how ashamed I am of these ridiculous situations.)

Well, of course, it gets even worse because I suddenly realize that the button for my floor is already pressed!  He was going to the same floor as me!!


So I stand there quietly with this guy as the elevator goes up and up.  I was considering trying to break the silence with a joke or something ("Excuse sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?"), but ultimately decided it would be best to prolong the awkwardness as long as possible.


Ding! Elevator arrives at my (our?) floor.  The guy gives a quick look at me to see if I'm getting off first, then realizes I'm not going anywhere all that quickly without spilling my precious hot sauce.  So he gets off and starts walking down the hall.  I do the same....and realize he's going the same direction as me.  I'm thinking he must have the room adjacent to mine (because that's just how these things work out for me.)


In the end, his room was not that close to mine, so he didn't see the miraculous way in which I opened my door without spilling anything.  (It was quite impressive, in my humble opinion.)


And that is that.  I sat down at the desk in the room, ate my dinner in peace, and savored the hot sauce that I worked so hard for.