Note to self

Next time I spend an hour running a major data query on a database with 300,000 lines and 2500 variables, I should probably not depend on the variable with the name DONOTUSETHISVARIABLE.

Heard in the office this week

Person 1: (to everone in the room) Who here likes peanut butter jelly sandwiches?
Person 2: Eh...I don't like peanut butter.
Person 3: What?! Do you also not like freedom?
Person 2: It's too crunchy
Person 3: Crunchy like liberty?

(Not funny?  C'mon! It's a patriotic joke about peanut butter.  It *must* be funny!  Or I guess you just had to be there.)

Something I learned tonight

Amanda Bynes was in a movie called "She's the man".

In Israel, this movie is called "Yesh la baytzim" in Hebrew.

Literal translation: She's got balls.

Almost walked onto a down escalator the wrong way

Lesson learned: Don't read messages on my phone while walking through the airport

Oatmeal fail

Made a bowl of oatmeal.  Brought it back to my desk.  Got distracted.  10 minutes later, oatmeal is totally inedible.  FML.

(I didn't think I could accurately describe the oatmeal's inedidibility in words, so I took a picture.)

Turned the bowl 90 degrees, Zero oatmeal movement

In hindsight, I probably should not have held the bowl over my laptop, but according to my friend Teddy:  "laptop risk >10% is blogworthy"

Lesson learned

A few weeks back, I ran out of clean white undershirts.  But I obviously still needed to get dressed for work, so I improvised.  I turned a mostly white T-shirt inside-out and put it on underneath my button-down shirt.

Brilliant.

Except that when I got to work, half of my co-workers immediately pointed out that the tag to my "undershirt" was blatantly sticking out under my chin.

(Is this better or worse than wearing blue and black socks together?)

Dream

Last night, I dreamt that I was a neurotic drug dealer's assistant.  My job was to count his money, which consisted of exactly 4 dollar bills that he had just gotten paid.  I counted these 4 dollars over and over again to assure him that he got paid correctly.  I literally counted the money a few dozen times.

And even though I only had to count to 4, it was actually pretty difficult.  But no worries, I did a good job.

Clearly I have a future in math...

Sunday heat wave

I'm sitting in my apartment this past Sunday afternoon, shvitzing.  It's really hot for some reason, even though I have the AC and fan on full blast.  It's been getting hotter and hotter all afternoon, and I can't figure out why the AC is not working.  It's a small apartment;  it shouldn't be that hard for the AC to cool everything down.

Then I realize my oven was still on from the lunch I had heated up 4 hours earlier.

Conference Call Catch 22

A few Thursdays ago, I was flying home to Detroit for the July 4 weekend.  My flight landed at 5 pm Detroit time, and my dad was picking me up from the airport.

I got some work done on the plane, but inevitably I fell asleep mid-flight (obviously).  I was asleep all the way until the wheels hit the ground, which woke me up.  (What a great nap!)

Anyway, as we're taxi-ing to the gate, I decide to check my phone for any updates from work or emails from my team.

Bing!  A meeting reminder pops up telling me that there is a work conference call going on that started 20 minutes earlier.  I had thought I would miss that meeting entirely because of my flight.  But I guess my flight landed earlier than scheduled.  Thinking that the meeting was just an informal check-in between a few people from my team, I decide they won't mind me joining the call a few minutes late.

So I dial in, and the conference call system asks me to state my name.  Still a bit groggy from my nap, I say:

"Umm.....David"

The system broadcasts to everyone:

"Beep! -Ummm....David-...has joined the meeting."

But then I hear a bunch of people talking on the line.  And not just any "people".  I hear the VP of the client company talking to a few other significant client reprepesntatives, as well as my manager and a few others.

I had called 20 minutes late to a full client work meeting, not a small informal discussion with my team.  And the conference call system had loudly announced my groggy tardy arrival over speakerphone to everyone in the room!

Since I was still on the plane where it was a bit loud with everyone around, I quickly put my phone on mute.  (Good thinking!)

But now my real problem had started.  I was on mute on this conference call (which was good), but I couldn't hang up now because then the system would announce my departure!

"Beep!  Umm....David....has left the meeting."  (Grrr...Stupid automated systems!)

I was stuck!

But it gets better....because I needed to call my dad to tell him to swing the car around to the airport terminal to pick me up.  He was waiting for me to call, but I had (stupidly) called the conference line first.  How was I supposed to reach him now?

I was tempted to try putting the conference call on hold, so I could call my dad on the other line.  But then I realized that with my luck, I would probably end up 3-way calling my dad into the conference call, where all the clients in the meeting would hear me talking to him about where to pick me up!  (Now that would be a blog post!)

So instead, I try texting my sister, asking her to call my dad, but I don't get any response from her.

In the meantime, I've gotten off the plane, and I'm wandering around the airport terminal, with my phone in my pocket, on mute and on speakerphone.  I'm waiting for the meeting to end so I can call my dad.  In a nutshell, I'm an idiot.  Once again, I find myself in a situation that only I can get into.

Finally, after 20 minutes, I decide to walk outside to see if maybe my dad had driven up to the terminal anyway.  No such luck.  He is still waiting for my call.

So I go up to some random business-y looking guy on the bench outside, and I ask him if I can use his phone because "my phone ran out of batteries."  I'm not sure if he noticed my phone clearly making noises in my shirt pocket, but regardless, he lets me use his phone.  I call my dad; he picks me up, and finally the meeting ends about 5 minutes before we get home.

Some wisdom learned

Swiping my credit card will not open my hotel door, no matter how many times I do it.